| retourner |
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| 01:05am 23/07/2009 |
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okay.
i'm back here again.
it's been a few moments.
but i feel like writing. maybe even something substantial.
things are different. i am a grown-up now! it's a little unsettling.
like, i occasionally have tangible, valid concerns about how fucked up the world around me is, even without my petty contributions of privileged despair.
...i can probably dig up some left-over young adult angst, though. let's face it.
it's all a fine balance.
brb. |
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| 06:46pm 15/04/2005 |
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music: air - cemetary party
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it's such a beautiful spring.
i wish action would come as easily as inspiration these days.
i blame some of the best conversations i've ever had. i blame charm, empathy, escapism, & teatime 'round the clock. !
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"to be fully alive is to live unconsciously and instinctively in all directions" |
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| what it all reminds me of. |
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| 09:31am 17/03/2005 |
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...i'm not a concept. too many guys think i'm a concept or i complete them or i'm going to make them alive. but i'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. don't assign me yours.
...i remember that speech really well.
i had you pegged, didn't i?
you had the whole human race pegged.
probably.
i still thought you were going to save me. even after that... |
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| 03:38pm 26/02/2005 |
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music: rilo kiley - portions for foxes
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it's hard to forget what you never understood. |
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| (i'm worried, i'm always in love) |
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| 04:50pm 14/02/2005 |
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i have to say: it's been a while since i've experienced it, but valentine's day is just ten times better when you're single. you don't have to do anything but eat cinammon hearts all day and flirt up a storm with any eligible young bachelor that's in your general vicinity... i've been missing out! and i'm programmed to play coquette, after all! |
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| 08:19pm 28/01/2005 |
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this is just so fucking frustrating.
i mean, as the heartbroken-but-hiding-it ex-girlfriend, just how sympathetic and helpful should i be?
the boy clearly needs some sort of intervention... i don't know if severe emotional repression can be classified as an addiction, but it's certainly something that needs to be faced up to. i mean, if you're going to be stoic? no need to make me experience you breaking down crying in my arms in the dead of a winter night. no need to delude me for so long. do it all the goddamn way.
i feel like fucking nancy drew, piecing together fragments of conversations, expressions, hand gestures... clawing for an answer, trying to turn him inside out. maybe i read into msn names and the like too much, but others see it too...
i don't know how to fix a broken robot. i don't know if i should even try. after unintentionally avoiding him for a month, i might not have a choice.
it's just never occurred to me that i can't be friends with someone i've loved and let go. this is entirely a foreign concept. pretty fucking sad. |
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| 12:20am 21/01/2005 |
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music: metric - calculation theme
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i just feel like this whole living thing will become extremely ridiculous by the end.
but maybe that's half the fun. |
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| love is a site of struggle |
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| 11:22pm 06/01/2005 |
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the beautiful miss leslie feist... this album will get me through the change of seasons. i can feel it.
the saddest part of a broken heart
isn't the ending so much as the start |
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| 12:12pm 02/01/2005 |
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haven't even particularly noticed the 2004-2005 cusp. arrived from pakistan after two weeks on new year's eve-ternoon. a colourful, dirty, scary, saddening, uplifting whirlwind of a trip. subsequently decided that having my ribs crushed via excessive hugging (through a michael i've missed for longer than i can remember) was better and less political than any drunken new year's partying. still feeling jet lagged and discombobulated and slowly losing my larynx... but back to classes tomorrow and i'm just too busy to begin to worry about what has been and what could be. who knows, maybe our luck could change... |
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| 12:00am 22/11/2004 |
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twentiety-century art essay due on monday... have never been so captivated by his-tory before.
what do you think an artist is? an imbecile who has only eyes if he is a painter, or ears if he is a musician, or a lyre in every chamber of his heart if he is a poet, or even, if he is a boxer, just his muscles? far, far from it: at the same time, he is also a political being, constantly aware of the heartbreaking, passionate, or delightful things that happen in the world, shaping himself completely in their image. how could it be possible to feel no interest in other people, and with a cool indifference to detach yourself from the very life which they bring to you so abundantly? no, painting is not done to decorate apartments. it is an instrument of war. --p. picasso |
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| 01:37pm 03/11/2004 |
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mood: come back, blue states!
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thoughts on turning 20...
why do i keep falling in love with robots?
more to come. |
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| 06:44pm 09/08/2004 |
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and now for a musical interlude?
can-rock concert of the century @ olympic island park on saturday. a-fucking-mazing. this country's music scene is a well kept secret that's about to spill. fell head over heels over broken social scene after hearing their set played with five guitars, a bass, a drumset, keyboards, at least four trumpets, one trombone, two oversexed female vocalists, etc. became completely starry-eyed when meeting chris murphy and jay ferguson of sloan, my eighth-grade idols! fairly convinced that jay stole my boyfriend, as all james could say after meeting them was "he touched my shirt. JAY TOUCHED MY SHIRT." i guess he made up for it when he turned around to sing with sam roberts in my ear (i saw fourteen children in your lovely brown eyes...)
couldn't guess at the amount of pot smoke inhaled or the number of toes trampled on. this is what starry nights and grassy knolls are fucking made for. ! |
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| 11:00pm 03/08/2004 |
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and so, for the first time in my life, i have to really think hard about how i want to approach taking fate into my own hands. i have to learn how to temporarily break a few hearts to keep my own intact. all i can ask for is patience...
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one more month of summer. coming up: a weekend of rock 'n roll bliss to look forward to, and so many people to fall in love with. and then the calm before the storm, dad's double bypass on the 20th. but we have all handled so well. i'm just sliding in and out of the waking world at this point. trying to savour my golden youth before i run out of excuses for moodswings and manias in a few months. turning twenty is going to be some fucking huzzah. |
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| 11:03pm 21/07/2004 |
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in my dreams, the only word i know how to say is
stay. |
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| 09:11pm 08/07/2004 |
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in love with the world through the eyes of jeff mangum, magnum.
you know how it is. mouthing lyrics on the subway while wrapping my knuckles around the silver pole. you think i'm crazy maybe, but i've never felt the sun shine behind my eyes like this without my headphones on.
j'ai laissé mon coeur à montréal...
a chronology to come. |
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| 11:46pm 19/06/2004 |
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music: Feist - One Evening
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there's just not much left to say anymore.
i desperately want out of this city. out of the daily drudgery of work, out of painful arguments with the most stubborn mother in the world.
out from under these mismatched sheets and into the circle of his vaguely familiar arms.
i miss him more than ever lately. now that the countdown has begun (twelve more days, twelve more days), it's hard to cultivate patience.
numerous rough patches between us, with the distance and all, but... he has a talent for winning me back, bowling me over.
but something always happens whenever we're together, it shows...
i hope montreal knows that i don't plan to sleep.
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| 08:55pm 25/05/2004 |
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the rza, the gza and the bill murray = gold.
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my entire summer reading list has slipped out of my head. kind of stuck with margaret atwood for now. good and great, but i just don't need another midlife crisis on or in my hands.
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four more rich white males to choose from in canada. while india, the supposed brown ghetto of the east, has just elected its first leader of religious minority. almost elected its second female PM, too. obviously they're not perfect, but it still certainly makes me want to kick north america off its delusional 'equality and democracy for all' pedestal. /end brown pride moment (!)
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slowly learning to embrace boredom. used to fear it more than anything.
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love is circumstance. |
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| 06:52pm 13/05/2004 |
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music: Neutral Milk Hotel - Two Headed Boy
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i feel as if i have nothing and everything to do, all at once. |
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